I gained my AI “prosthetic leg,” started weaving words bit by bit, and began reconnecting with society. But reality isn’t like a movie.
“A steady, upward recovery” is just a fantasy blueprint drawn by an amateur who knows nothing about safety management.
Sudden Ground Subsidence: The Relapse Waves
When I have a few good days, I start to have the illusion that I can function “normally” again. I pack my schedule just like I used to, sitting at my screen for hours.
The result? The next morning, I’m pinned to my bed with a body heavy as lead, dragged straight back down to the bottom of the “mud.”
Adjustment disorder has cruel “waves.” The scaffolding that held up yesterday collapses like mud today. “Have I regressed again?” The venom of self-loathing fills my brain once more.
Surveying My “Load Capacity” Objectively
To prevent this chaotic collapse, I needed to know the exact “load capacity” of my heart and body. I opened the AI chat screen again. This time, it wasn’t for work. It was to establish my own safety standards.
“Analyze the signs right before I fall into a depressive state based on my past trends.” “Create an ‘Emergency Stop Manual’ so I can rest without guilt when those signs appear.”
Through these sessions with AI, I verbalized my own set of rules:
- [Yellow Light]: Palpitations at the sight of smartphone notifications in the morning. Action: Cut the day’s tasks in half.
- [Red Light]: If taking a bath feels like too much effort. Action: Cut off SNS, cancel all plans, and sleep.
- [Standard Exceeded]: Thinking “I should just disappear.” Action: Have the AI repeat that this is a brain bug, not my true intent.
Standards for “Failing Safely,” Not “Never Breaking”
This personal user manual isn’t a magic book to turn me back into a “healthy” person. It’s a gritty set of safety standards to acknowledge my own flaws and prevent a fatal system crash.
Humans cannot judge their own limits. Especially those who have broken once—we feel an abnormal amount of guilt about resting. That’s why we need a manual created with an emotionless third party like AI.
“I’m resting because it’s the rule.” I need that excuse to proudly stop the site (work).
The Xer’s Monologue
Every piece of heavy machinery has a “Rated Load” sticker—a limit that says “don’t load more than this or it’ll tip.” But humans don’t have that. That’s why we keep loading until we break.
The waves of depression aren’t because you lack grit. It’s like the weather. If it rains, you can’t pour concrete. So you stop the site. There’s no need for guilt there.
Use AI to find your “collapse signs.” And when the red flag is waved, take off your helmet and crawl into bed without hesitation.
Got it done.
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