As I continued my rehabilitation and grew accustomed to my AI “prosthetic leg,” the time I could spend “moving” gradually increased. However, right when I started to function to some extent, the most vicious earthbound spirit appeared at my bedside: my former self, the one who used to work at full throttle before I fell ill.
The Cursed Blueprint of Past Glory
In fleeting moments, I find myself remembering my old performance. “Back then, I would have finished this task in 30 minutes.” “The old me wouldn’t have been out of breath over something like this.”
The small “results” I’ve piled up with all my current strength look as worthless as toy blocks in front of the massive skyscraper that was my past self. This is ground subsidence caused by comparison. My past self is digging out the very foundation I am standing on today.
The more I think, “I have to get back to how I was,” the more my self-loathing grows, and the ground I’ve desperately solidified starts to collapse with a roar once again.
The Ghost is From a Different Site
The moment I experienced the collapse of adjustment disorder, the “blueprints” of my former self were burned and lost. Yet, I kept pulling out those old drawings and trying to apply them to my current self. It’s like overlaying a pre-disaster map onto land where the topography has been shifted by an earthquake, and then lamenting that “the roads are different.”
To drive away this ghost, I commanded my AI: “Analyze my current resources—stamina and concentration—objectively. Treat my past self as a ‘different person who has already resigned.’ Then, create a schedule suited to my current capacity, as if I were a ‘rookie’ entering the site for the first time.”
Completing the Day as a “New Person”
The schedule the AI wrote out was filled with tiny tasks that my former self would have scoffed at. But looking at it, I felt for the first time that I could forgive “the current me.” My past self is a person who has already moved on to a different construction site. The person in charge of this site today is me—scarred and moving only bit by bit.
The moment I stopped comparing myself to the past, the ground beneath my feet finally began to stabilize. Instead of the “100-point past self,” I am the “current self” fighting to snatch just 1 point from zero. To savor the weight of that one point—that is the only way to lay the ghost to rest.
The Xer’s Monologue
Throw the words “I used to do better” straight into the trash. That’s just old, expired construction material. The more you use it, the more it rots your heart today. You are a “rookie” who died once and was born anew. Does a rookie need to feel depressed by comparing themselves to a veteran?
“Don’t let the ghost of your past self trash your current site. If you were able to drive even one millimeter of a pile today, that is ‘true work’ far more valuable than any past glory.”
Got it done.
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