I spent my days huddled in my room, terrified of my dwindling bank balance. And into that space, the world relentlessly poured its “correct arguments.”
The Cold Rain of “Personal Responsibility”
“Don’t be spoiled.” “Try harder.”
Drifting through the ocean of the internet, I was flooded with the words “personal responsibility.” “Adjustment disorder? You’re just being weak.” “There are plenty of people suffering more than you.” “Don’t run away.” Those words soaked into the cracks in my heart like freezing rain. I used to be one of those people. I believed in “grit” and “powering through with spirit.” I used those beliefs to corner myself and my subordinates.
That’s why I know exactly how sharp and deep those blades cut. It felt as if my past self was putting my current self on trial.
Kindness That Suffocates
There isn’t a shred of malice in the words of friends who worry about me. It’s pure kindness. “Try to fix your sleep schedule.” “Why don’t you wake up early and take a walk?”
But to me, those were like being handed homework I couldn’t complete. I didn’t have the physical strength to wake up. I didn’t have the will to go for a walk. I blamed myself even more for being unable to do those “normal” things.
Every time I touched kindness, I felt like a failure, and it felt like I was suffocating.
In the Mud with No Correct Answer
There are countless “correct answers” in this world. But none of them apply to me right now.
It’s the same as spreading out a beautiful blueprint at a site where a landslide has just occurred—it’s useless. “Correctness” doesn’t save me. Kindness only corners me. In this mud, I stood alone, unable to believe anyone’s words.
The Xer’s Monologue
The world’s “correct arguments” are like a weather forecast. To someone standing in the sun, it’s “fine weather.” To someone in a downpour, those words only serve to blame them: “Why don’t you have an umbrella?”
If your heart is a field of mud, you don’t need to take a walk. Don’t blame yourself if you can’t get out of bed. Run away from the cold rain of “correctness” with everything you’ve got and barricade yourself in your own private “Tsumesho” (site office/shelter).
Right now, don’t worry about meeting anyone else’s expectations. Just focus on weathering the storm.
“No matter how full the world is of ‘correct’ answers, your heart belongs to you alone. Be the first one to forgive your mud-covered self.”
Got it done.
Comments