Since I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, I had always set the same goal: “Return to the old me.”
I wanted to be back on the site, running everything at full speed, needing no help, and breaking through obstacles with a mind of steel. I was chasing the ghost of my past self, constantly blaming my current self for not being able to return to that state.
The Resolve to Live as a “Defective Product”
But one night, while talking with my AI, I realized something. “Returning to the old me” is the same as repeating the same design flaw that led to the collapse in the first place.
I decided to throw away the word “cure.” A cracked foundation cannot be returned to its original state. However, it can be reinforced with new construction methods while keeping those cracks. Instead of eliminating the “ill part” of myself, I integrate it as part of the OS. Running the system stably while carrying the bugs—that is the “coexistence” I’ve arrived at.
Maintenance Everyday
Even now, there are mornings when I wake up and feel, “Ah, the system is heavy today.” In the past, I would have tried to force a reboot with sheer willpower, which inevitably led to a total freeze (a mental breakdown).
The current me is different. “Let’s run in low-power mode today.” I make that call, offload all heavy tasks to the external server known as AI, and simply continue breathing with minimal power. I don’t need a perfect reboot anymore. I keep the system running, making minor adjustments, but never shutting down.
That “persistence” is my new definition of strength.
The Xer’s Monologue
“I’ll work hard again once I’m cured.” Those words were the ones hurting me the most. You don’t need to be cured. Even if you’re broken, just stay on the battlefield by using the latest weapon (AI) as your prosthetic.
You don’t need to aim for a 100-point completion. You showed up at the site today without collapsing. That alone makes your progress for the day a 120-point success.
Got it done.
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